Idiot-Proof

Posted on August 4, 2011 by fast eddie

I recently acquired a new audio/visual system with all the latest wireless digital bells and whistles for our renovated house in the Hamptons. The salesman assured me it was “idiot-proof”. I assume he did not intend this as a slur to my family and friends, but he might want to reconsider this sales pitch in the future when marketing to other former liberal arts majors of only above-average intelligence.

One of the principal sales promises was that we would be able to operate any room in the house from any other room in the house on our iPhone or iPad or from one of several strategically placed wireless remotes. I was very excited about this feature because I could assure that music would be playing in each room before I arrived so I would not be caught in silence mid-lyric while moving around the house.

But I didn’t give adequate consideration to the risks. The first pitfall is that you and the control device need to be on the same page, meaning that you both have to agree on what room you are trying to control. This recently became painfully clear when a guest who was attempting to have an early morning workout in the gym began blasting Eminem into the master bedroom at 7am. Another mishap occurred when I attempted to adjust the music volume in the kitchen while sitting at the pool where the sound dissipates quickly even at high volume.

Another great feature is that all the TV’s can be programmed so that each person can access only their favorite channels. Unfortunately, I am the only one who knows how to use this feature and I often forget to turn it off. This is a particular problem when I’m not home and someone wants to watch something other than sports.

Despite the salesman’s promise of the “idiot-proof” nature of the system, I find that every time the power goes down in our house, the entire system needs to be rebooted, which always seems to require a service call. Given the frequency of power outages in our area, this can result in a lot of frustration and a constant stream of income for the guys who set up the system. Recently, I  found that none of our remote controls were working, so, given the complexity of the system, I assumed the worst and called the service guys to come fix it. Two days later, they came and changed the batteries in all the remotes…..thereby proving that the system is not “idiot-proof”.

Posted in Humor, Music, Ruminations, Television, TV | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Checks and Balances

Posted on August 3, 2011 by fast eddie

Over the past several weeks, most Americans were appalled and frustrated as we watched our government struggle to avert a financial crisis of its own making.  In my view, however, Americans should be heartened by recent events. What we witnessed was our government operating exactly as it was designed to work by the founding fathers. When our country was first organized after having shed the domination of the English King and Parliament, America’s founders were mistrustful of a strong central government. As a result, they designed a system of federal government based on separation of powers coupled with checks and balances to induce the competing interests in our society to compromise in order to effect change or be reconciled to the status quo.

The resulting federal government has successfully sustained itself for almost 225 years, but, other than in times of great crisis (Civil War, Great Depression, Pearl Harbor, September 11), has been slow to resolve even the most fundamental issues facing our society. Even when the body politic, on rare occasion, hands the reins of all branches of government to a single party, the consensus is short-lived and the pendulum swings quickly back toward divided government, if not all the way to the other party. Fundamentally, we are, and have always been, a nation that is skeptical of government and resistant to change.

The only difference now is that we watch the process 24/7 on cable TV and the internet. In the old days, the legislative process unfolded behind closed doors in smoked filled rooms and we had little access to the machinations of government. Today, we can (if we choose) see interviews with our leaders and representatives and hear constant analysis of the issues, tactics, trade-offs and implications. I would argue that, as frustrating as proximity to the process may be, it makes us a more informed citizenry and more effective participants in our democracy.

As a former political science major, I enjoyed watching the process unfold regardless of the result and retain my confidence that as long as the process works, the country will find its way in the long run. Here are some of my favorite books on our brilliant founding fathers and the birth of our nation:

Posted in Books, Politics | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Assembly Required

Posted on August 2, 2011 by fast eddie

Assembly Required. These are two of the most fearsome words in the English language. I thought I was past this stage when my kids grew up. But no. Those words have returned to haunt me again now that my daughter is furnishing and setting up her own apartment primarily out of the IKEA and Company Store catalogues. I think this may be revenge for not providing her with an ample furniture budget (see Fort Knox).

Some fathers love this stuff. I’m not one of those fathers. I hate instructions. I cook without recipes and travel without directions (see GPS). This is because I already know everything. So when I open one of those IKEA boxes, I ignore the instructions and just get started. First, I look at what the thing is supposed to look like when it’s finished. Then, I just grab two pieces and see if they fit together. If not, I just keep grabbing pieces until they fit and proceed from there, adding piece by piece until it looks like the picture. This is the same way I do jigsaw puzzles. Of course, this approach often leads to frustration, like when you run out of screws before you’re finished, or when you still have some parts left over after you thought you’d finished, or when you can’t tell the top from the bottom, or when the finished side is facing inward. When any of this stuff happens, I call customer service and tell them they sent me a defective product.

Posted in Humor, Ruminations | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

White Pants

Posted on August 1, 2011 by fast eddie

I was blinded by white pants this weekend. What is it about the summer that makes everybody think that they can wear white pants? I’m not just saying this because I’m jealous. It’s true that I can’t wear white pants. My butt is too big (no that’s not a picture of me, but it could be) and I always spill tomato sauce on myself. And I’m not complaining about tall slender women in tight white jeans (who can wear anything). I’m talking about everybody else. Particularly middle-aged, pot-bellied men who also feel compelled to complement them with white shoes and an aqua or coral linen shirt. Or men who wear the see-through kind with briefs instead of boxers. Or guys in white capris. Please! It’s a good reason for the rest of us to stay home until after Labor Day.

Posted in Humor, Ruminations | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The King of King’s Road (7)

Posted on July 31, 2011 by fast eddie

(continued from The King of King’s Road (6))

The firemen at the Chelsea Fire Station continued to bring their curious neighbor coffee and a muffin each morning. Most days, it was the only meal the homeless man ate. Whenever he collected enough coins in his tin coffee can, he made his way to the betting shop and lost the money, each time playing a well-thought out, but complex, bet at long odds. The bets were not random and hopeless. He knew horse racing, football and other sports very well and would analyze the form of the participants thoroughly. But each bet required a combination of things to go right in order for him to win. And if he won, the payoff would be bigger than for a simple bet to win or lose.

Despite their efforts to look after the homeless man, the firemen made little progress in engaging him in conversation. A simple thank you or nod was all they received in return for their generosity. Then one day, one of the firemen invited the homeless man into the fire station for a tour of the equipment. The homeless man smiled and followed the fireman into the station house. He listened intently as the fireman showed him the trucks and pointed out the various hoses and tools of their trade. He looked closely at the pristine shining engine and inspected the immaculate uniforms that hung on pegs nearby. Everything was spotless, and most of the other firemen engaged in routine chores of one kind or another, washing, polishing, sweeping, and inspecting their equipment.

After the tour was over, the homeless man picked up an unused broom and began to sweep the apparently clean floor. He said nothing, but continued to meticulously focus on his task until he had made several small piles of dust which he picked up and disposed of. He then returned the broom to its proper place and returned to his spot on The King’s Road next to the fire station where he sat with his sign and played with his Rubik’s Cube. Thereafter, each day after having his morning coffee and muffin, the homeless man went into the station house, picked up the broom and swept the floor without saying a word.

To be continued… 

Posted in Fiction | Tagged | 4 Comments