The Husband Chair

Posted on September 22, 2011 by fast eddie

Every good women’s retailer knows about the husband chair. Having a wife and two daughters, I am very well-acquainted with it, since any free time in an outing can explode into a two-hour shopping diversion. The husband chair is the place where the husband sits and watches the wife’s pocketbook and packages while she shops. The more comfortable the husband chair, the longer the wife can shop without disturbance. Usually, the husband chair is near the dressing room so that the wife can easily come out fishing for compliments in her prospective new clothes .

The husband chair is not to be used by boyfriends. During courtship, the boyfriend must follow the girlfriend around the store (holding the pocketbook, packages and “maybe” selections) and watch her go through every item on the rack, saying “yes, you would look stunning in that” and “no, you’re not too fat to wear that”. (The girlfriends then reciprocate by attending sporting events and asking lots of questions as if they’re interested.)

Some of the best husband chairs are, of course, in furniture stores. I particularly like Restoration Hardware and Urban Archeology, where husbands have a wide selection of couches with Architectural Digests to read. Even better are the shops of haute couture designers, where the husbands not only get luxury seating accommodation, but also get offered espresso and biscotti and can watch videos of fashion shows. But it is critical that the wife understands that trying on the clothes is for entertainment only.

Posted in Humor, Ruminations | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Art in the Hamptons

Posted on September 21, 2011 by fast eddie

The Hamptons have a rich artistic heritage and there is no better time to visit than the early autumn when the foliage is beginning to change color and the natural beauty of the East End of Long Island is uncluttered by summer crowds. (See Summer’s Best Kept Secret). It is an easy day trip or overnight visit from NYC. There are several key destinations to anchor your visit and many galleries in the area to fill out your itinerary. Here are some of the highlights:

Posted in Art, Travel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Wired

Posted on September 20, 2011 by fast eddie

I have an iPhone, a Blackberry, three land lines with answering machines, three fax/scanners, an iPad, a laptop and two desktops.

But I never answer the phone or call anybody. (See The Telephone.)

So why, you might ask, do I need all this stuff? And why am I obsessed with constantly checking them? Do I really need to know who I’m ignoring at any particular moment? Must I immediately know, while driving or eating dinner, that the Mets have lost another game or that the stock market is down another 100 points? Or that it is raining in London? Or that my daughter wants me to pick up her dry cleaning? Or that it is my turn in Words with Friends? Or that I received a Facebook status update from a junior high school classmate? Or that my roommate’s son just checked in at a lap dancing club on foursquare?

No, I’m checking to see how many people have read my blog in the last hour.

Posted in Humor, Ruminations | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

It’s Complicated

Posted on September 19, 2011 by fast eddie

Married. That’s my relationship status on Facebook (and in real life). If you are a Facebook user, you already know that when you fill out your profile, you are asked to designate your relationship status. You are given a list of options to choose from, most of which are relatively straightforward, like single, married, engaged, widowed, divorced, separated, etc. But one of the options puzzles me–“It’s Complicated”.

Are you straight but think you might be gay? Or gay but maybe straight? Bicurious or biconfused? Still in love with your ex-girlfriend who got a court order to keep you away? In love with yourself? In love with your best friend? or your best friend’s partner? or your dog? Open to an upgrade? Bored and searching Facebook for old flames? Just plain cheating? I wonder why anyone would choose this option. Death wish? What relationship isn’t complicated (except maybe two straight men eating nachos and watching football)? Does your spouse/partner/lover/friend know you feel this way, or is this the first they are hearing about it? If it is, then you better change your status to “It’s Over.”

Posted in Humor, Ruminations | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The King of King’s Road (13)

Posted on September 18, 2011 by fast eddie

(continued from The King of King’s Road (12))

For the next two days the minister arrived every morning to visit the homeless man in the hospital and stayed all day playing blackjack with him. From time to time, the firemen would visit and join in the card games. The homeless man never spoke, but he smiled and never tired of dealing the cards.

After he had been awake and off the breathing tube for a full three days, the homeless man was released from the hospital in the care of the minister, who brought him back to the church’s homeless shelter. There, the homeless man was given some new clothing and a cot to sleep on. The firemen had previously brought over his shopping cart with the rest of his belongings, which had already been placed nearby. The homeless man sat on the cot and surveyed the room, eyeing the other men in the shelter suspiciously. The minister assured him that he would be safe and that his belongings would be secure. The minister knew that many homeless people had refused shelter because they feared being robbed. That night the homeless man laid still in his cot, but never slept, in fear of the others sleeping nearby.

The next day, the minister introduced the homeless man to a case worker with the hope that they could begin to help find his identity and get him some mental health care. The homeless man refused to answer any questions or cooperate in any way. Having been briefed by the minister, the case worker began to shuffle a deck of cards and deal. The homeless man picked up the dealt hand and took the deck from the case worker. He shuffled and dealt a new hand. They played blackjack for almost an hour, at which point the case worker got up and left the room, only to return shortly with a large jigsaw puzzle. He sat down on the floor next to the homeless man’s cot and spread the pieces on the floor and began to work on the puzzle.

Soon the homeless man joined the case worker on the floor and began to work on the puzzle, quickly putting together groups of matching pieces, assembling the corners and the border, and beginning to fill the space in between. Some of the other homeless men gathered to watch. A couple of the other men joined them on the floor and began to work on the puzzle. None were as quick as the homeless man, but their collaborative effort contributed to a finished puzzle showing Big Ben and Parliament on River Thames. The homeless man promptly scrambled the puzzle. They began the puzzle again, finishing it even more quickly this time.

That night the homeless man slept.

To be continued… 

Posted in Fiction | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment